Next to Last Lines from Selected Chapters
[Posted
Tue May 12]
Chapter 42- BAKED BEANS AND HORSE APPLES
It was a big crowd at Goshen cemetery, with family, and friends, and neighbours. We lowered the bean pot into the pre-drilled well, next to Mom, and the youngsters sprawled on the turf and peered down for one last glimpse of Grandpa.
THIS IS THE CONCLUDING CHAPTER OF "THE GARDENS OF GOSHEN"
Chapter 42- BAKED BEANS AND HORSE APPLES
It was a big crowd at Goshen cemetery, with family, and friends, and neighbours. We lowered the bean pot into the pre-drilled well, next to Mom, and the youngsters sprawled on the turf and peered down for one last glimpse of Grandpa.
THIS IS THE CONCLUDING CHAPTER OF "THE GARDENS OF GOSHEN"
[Posted
Fri May 8]
Chapter 41 - HONESTY & OTHER FOUR-LETTER WORDS
And in Canada, a conservative is someone who believes that everything should be kept exactly the way it was since the world began, a little while before the Year Zero B.C. Before Conservatism. Uh, oh. I’m sorry. That’s a conservationist. A conservationist is someone who believes things do change, usually for the worse. Uh, sorry again. The word I’m searching for . . .
Chapter 41 - HONESTY & OTHER FOUR-LETTER WORDS
And in Canada, a conservative is someone who believes that everything should be kept exactly the way it was since the world began, a little while before the Year Zero B.C. Before Conservatism. Uh, oh. I’m sorry. That’s a conservationist. A conservationist is someone who believes things do change, usually for the worse. Uh, sorry again. The word I’m searching for . . .
[Posted
Tue May 5]
Chapter 40 - BREATHING MAY BE HAZARDOUS
If you are computer literate, go to the government website “Another Environmental Ploy to Improve the Quality of Your Life, and Get You to Vote for Us. Again.” If you can’t remember that, then Google the following phrase: “Gawd! I can’t breathe!”
Chapter 40 - BREATHING MAY BE HAZARDOUS
If you are computer literate, go to the government website “Another Environmental Ploy to Improve the Quality of Your Life, and Get You to Vote for Us. Again.” If you can’t remember that, then Google the following phrase: “Gawd! I can’t breathe!”
[Posted
Fri MAY 1]
Chapter 39 - BETWEEN THE CROSSES, ROW ON ROW
If you visit Goshen cemetery, look between the stones, most of which bear the legionnaire’s cross. Look at the spaces between the stones.
Plenty of room yet. For the unrecovered dead.
Chapter 39 - BETWEEN THE CROSSES, ROW ON ROW
If you visit Goshen cemetery, look between the stones, most of which bear the legionnaire’s cross. Look at the spaces between the stones.
Plenty of room yet. For the unrecovered dead.
[Posted
Tue APR 28]
Chapter 38 - ANIMAL GRACE
The other day in Thunder Bay, I saw a three-legged dog, a beagle, towed on a leash by its oblivious owner, who was chatting up a companion. Such happiness you seldom see. Such tail wagging. Such skips and jumps. Pausing for a pee without lifting his leg. What joy.
Chapter 38 - ANIMAL GRACE
The other day in Thunder Bay, I saw a three-legged dog, a beagle, towed on a leash by its oblivious owner, who was chatting up a companion. Such happiness you seldom see. Such tail wagging. Such skips and jumps. Pausing for a pee without lifting his leg. What joy.
[Posted
Fri APR24]
Chapter 37 - THE WONDER OF GOSHEN
I will settle for just enjoying our wonders, here, at home. And that muskeg, boy, that endlessly soggy, malodorous muskeg , I know ̶ from personal indulgence, I know ̶ is purely healthful.
Chapter 37 - THE WONDER OF GOSHEN
I will settle for just enjoying our wonders, here, at home. And that muskeg, boy, that endlessly soggy, malodorous muskeg , I know ̶ from personal indulgence, I know ̶ is purely healthful.
[Posted
Tue APR 21]
Chapter 36 - THE DESERTED FOREST
For years the MMR alone has been slashing the resources devoted to forested land management. The timber barons are asked to police themselves, supplemented by the spot checks of Ministry officials.
Chapter 36 - THE DESERTED FOREST
For years the MMR alone has been slashing the resources devoted to forested land management. The timber barons are asked to police themselves, supplemented by the spot checks of Ministry officials.
[Posted
Fri APR17]
Chapter 35 - CAST AWAY
Now I ask you one thing. As the lakes in Goshen country open up, and the breezes bring intoxicating scents of God’s country to your nasal burrows, and you are oiling your reels and sharpening your hooks.
Just before you spike that worm.
Look into its eyes.
And ask yourself.
Is this the way to treat a distant relative?
Chapter 35 - CAST AWAY
Now I ask you one thing. As the lakes in Goshen country open up, and the breezes bring intoxicating scents of God’s country to your nasal burrows, and you are oiling your reels and sharpening your hooks.
Just before you spike that worm.
Look into its eyes.
And ask yourself.
Is this the way to treat a distant relative?
[Posted
Tue APR 14]
Chapter 34 - HEADPIECES FILLED WITH STRAW
There are Cowardly Lions, like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, that roar from the radios and TVs, putting the fear of Oz into every living creature, but do not expect them to put their courage where their mouths are, and tackle the real monsters that terrorize the land.
Chapter 34 - HEADPIECES FILLED WITH STRAW
There are Cowardly Lions, like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, that roar from the radios and TVs, putting the fear of Oz into every living creature, but do not expect them to put their courage where their mouths are, and tackle the real monsters that terrorize the land.
[Posted
Fri APR10]
Chapter 33 -LABOUR LOST
So, in the Land o’ Goshen, Misery is king. Despair is duke. And Pauperism is prince. So, why, why, why the happy faces?
Chapter 33 -LABOUR LOST
So, in the Land o’ Goshen, Misery is king. Despair is duke. And Pauperism is prince. So, why, why, why the happy faces?
[Posted
Tue APR 7]
Chapter 32 - PENNY WISE
Others will sniff and march on by. But behind them there’s always a kid, or an old coot, and the kid or the coot will stoop, and rescue the neglected copper, and polish it, and pocket it, and walk away with a spring in his step.
Chapter 32 - PENNY WISE
Others will sniff and march on by. But behind them there’s always a kid, or an old coot, and the kid or the coot will stoop, and rescue the neglected copper, and polish it, and pocket it, and walk away with a spring in his step.
[Posted
Fri APR 3]
Chapter 31 - MOTHERHOOD & MAILBOXES
Rather than sink another half billion into the rural service, give half the billion to the 843,000 rural addresses. That comes to 300 dollars apiece. This would be a one-time payout.
Chapter 31 - MOTHERHOOD & MAILBOXES
Rather than sink another half billion into the rural service, give half the billion to the 843,000 rural addresses. That comes to 300 dollars apiece. This would be a one-time payout.
[Posted
Tue Mar 31]
Chapter 30 - LIGHTS OUT
Nothing will change. More cars will be purchased, more homes will be built, and more appliances will be acquired -- all of which will cause energy consumption to spiral ever upward.
Chapter 30 - LIGHTS OUT
Nothing will change. More cars will be purchased, more homes will be built, and more appliances will be acquired -- all of which will cause energy consumption to spiral ever upward.
[Posted
Fri Mar 27]
Chapter 29 - THE WONDER OF THE WORLD
When the last link in Highway 17 was forged in 1960, incredibly, unaccountably, inexplicably the princes of the day called it the last link in the TransCanada Highway. Yet for six or more months of the year, from October to April, it is a broken link.
Chapter 29 - THE WONDER OF THE WORLD
When the last link in Highway 17 was forged in 1960, incredibly, unaccountably, inexplicably the princes of the day called it the last link in the TransCanada Highway. Yet for six or more months of the year, from October to April, it is a broken link.
[Posted
Tue Mar 24]
Chapter 28 - KING EDGAR III
I make a merely passing reference to the possibly verifiable fact that I am king because, for us here in Goshen, I see a tourism opportunity. And the opportunity is -- ah, no, shucks, not me. It is Desgroseilliers. The Hairy Man.
Chapter 28 - KING EDGAR III
I make a merely passing reference to the possibly verifiable fact that I am king because, for us here in Goshen, I see a tourism opportunity. And the opportunity is -- ah, no, shucks, not me. It is Desgroseilliers. The Hairy Man.
[Posted Fri Mar 20]
Chapter 27 - GETTING THERE
Now, for an explorer, dying is allowed. In fact, if the adulation of admirers is one of the explorer’s goals, dying is to be encouraged. But the one thing an explorer must accomplish, is to get back. The way he came.
[Posted
Tue Mar 17]
Chapter 26 - HOW TO BOOST TOURISM: A FABLE
. . . Come to Goshen this spring and summer. We host hundreds of young people from across the nation. They live, total strangers to one another, in tents in the howling wilderness, where they swat blackflies, and eat slop, and plant trees.
Chapter 26 - HOW TO BOOST TOURISM: A FABLE
. . . Come to Goshen this spring and summer. We host hundreds of young people from across the nation. They live, total strangers to one another, in tents in the howling wilderness, where they swat blackflies, and eat slop, and plant trees.
[Posted
Fri Mar13]
Chapter 25 - GOSHEN BOOK RESCUE
We’re talking Pierre Berton here, the man who devoted a lifetime to chasing the Canadian identity. The man may be dead but still, attention must be paid, people, attention must be paid. So I buy up his remainders, and send them away.
Chapter 25 - GOSHEN BOOK RESCUE
We’re talking Pierre Berton here, the man who devoted a lifetime to chasing the Canadian identity. The man may be dead but still, attention must be paid, people, attention must be paid. So I buy up his remainders, and send them away.
[Posted
Tue Mar 10]
Chapter 24 - THE STUFF OF BOYS
There are chapters on understanding grammar, forgawdsakes. There are chapters on Shakespeare, and poetry, and . . . and girls, forgawdsakes. There are far too many to be misprints.
Chapter 24 - THE STUFF OF BOYS
There are chapters on understanding grammar, forgawdsakes. There are chapters on Shakespeare, and poetry, and . . . and girls, forgawdsakes. There are far too many to be misprints.
[Posted
Fri Mar 6]
Chapter 23 - ROADS IN THE SKY
And remember, it is a law of gun-related issues that a dollar committed today becomes, in ten years’ time, 22 dollars spent.
Meanwhile, we will deal with congested highways and rising vehicle damage and mounting fatalities . . . So, the vision of a decent road is just a road in the sky.
Chapter 23 - ROADS IN THE SKY
And remember, it is a law of gun-related issues that a dollar committed today becomes, in ten years’ time, 22 dollars spent.
Meanwhile, we will deal with congested highways and rising vehicle damage and mounting fatalities . . . So, the vision of a decent road is just a road in the sky.
[Posted
Tue Mar 3]
Chapter 22 - THE WIND, THE WIND
In winter we ran the halls, before classes, and during spares, and after hours. We were fast, fit, and feisty. If we encountered any 60-year-old Swede in our rounds, we ran all over him.
Chapter 22 - THE WIND, THE WIND
In winter we ran the halls, before classes, and during spares, and after hours. We were fast, fit, and feisty. If we encountered any 60-year-old Swede in our rounds, we ran all over him.
[Posted
Fri Feb 27]
Chapter 21 - BACK ROADS
But we do have roads to adventure. And roads to romance, such as the road to the Reindeer Moss Tavern, and the road to the Disco Dance Hall, and the road to Vinny’s Video’s [sic]. (Sic means, if you value your vital parts, don’t correct Vinny’s spelling.)
Chapter 21 - BACK ROADS
But we do have roads to adventure. And roads to romance, such as the road to the Reindeer Moss Tavern, and the road to the Disco Dance Hall, and the road to Vinny’s Video’s [sic]. (Sic means, if you value your vital parts, don’t correct Vinny’s spelling.)
[Posted
Tue Feb 24]
Chapter 20 - PICTURE PERFECT
They found no evidence of loose behaviour among the vegetables. Each fruit was posed modestly and, as far as anyone could say, the girl fruits kept a decorous distance from the boy fruits, and in the case of the radishes, it was determined that the leafy crown was primly secured with a rubber band.
Chapter 20 - PICTURE PERFECT
They found no evidence of loose behaviour among the vegetables. Each fruit was posed modestly and, as far as anyone could say, the girl fruits kept a decorous distance from the boy fruits, and in the case of the radishes, it was determined that the leafy crown was primly secured with a rubber band.
[Posted
Fri Feb 20]
Chapter 19 - GOOD FENCES
It was killing zebras. During the annual drought, zebras traditionally migrate to waterholes and fresh graze. Now they are encountering the barrier of the Makgadikgadi Fence, and they die there. Hundreds every year.
Chapter 19 - GOOD FENCES
It was killing zebras. During the annual drought, zebras traditionally migrate to waterholes and fresh graze. Now they are encountering the barrier of the Makgadikgadi Fence, and they die there. Hundreds every year.
[Posted
Tue Feb 17]
Chapter 18 - THE LAST THING
29. I have to mouse-proof the house.
30. I have to resist telling everyone of the five ruffed grouse that stalked by our patio door so that gun-happy louts are not emboldened to shatter our peace.
31. Oops. I have to delete that.
Chapter 18 - THE LAST THING
29. I have to mouse-proof the house.
30. I have to resist telling everyone of the five ruffed grouse that stalked by our patio door so that gun-happy louts are not emboldened to shatter our peace.
31. Oops. I have to delete that.
[Posted
Fri Feb 13]
Chapter 17 - ART CRIMES
Rent a raft of railcars, and spot them around the city, at Portage and Main, say, and Polo Park mall. Then hand out the spray paint, and give the vandals free rein. Hire mentors, for there are many, many mentors, such as cosmetic surgeons, and tattooists, and other licenced vandals
Chapter 17 - ART CRIMES
Rent a raft of railcars, and spot them around the city, at Portage and Main, say, and Polo Park mall. Then hand out the spray paint, and give the vandals free rein. Hire mentors, for there are many, many mentors, such as cosmetic surgeons, and tattooists, and other licenced vandals
[Posted
Tue Feb 10]
Chapter 16 - CANADA’S ALBATROSS
I am, now, an Ancient Mariner, and I stoppeth thee in thy happy business, compelled to tell thee this tale. For my dreams, my waking dreams, are haunted . . .
Chapter 16 - CANADA’S ALBATROSS
I am, now, an Ancient Mariner, and I stoppeth thee in thy happy business, compelled to tell thee this tale. For my dreams, my waking dreams, are haunted . . .
[Posted
Fri Feb 6]
Chapter 15 - UNDER ARREST
There is a market for smoke. Millions of people. Worldwide. Who disguise their vice with breath mints. Who supplement their highs with arm patches. Who skulk outside of the workplace, puffing away.
Chapter 15 - UNDER ARREST
There is a market for smoke. Millions of people. Worldwide. Who disguise their vice with breath mints. Who supplement their highs with arm patches. Who skulk outside of the workplace, puffing away.
[Posted
Tue Feb 3]
Chapter 14 - THE CAT TAKES THE PRIZE
Volunteers are now managing most feral populations. We need these pioneers as we envisage a future of mutant feral goldfish, and packs of laboratory rats running free in the forest.
Chapter 14 - THE CAT TAKES THE PRIZE
Volunteers are now managing most feral populations. We need these pioneers as we envisage a future of mutant feral goldfish, and packs of laboratory rats running free in the forest.
[Posted
Fri Jan 30]
Chapter 13 - CRIKEY! IT’S A CROC!
In his 44th year of life, Steve Irwin was still teasing his friends – the furry, the finny, and the scaly. Oh yeah, he loved them, he surely did, and whether he was chasing a leopard, or baiting a tiger shark, or teasing a cobra, he meant them no harm. Really. They were, after all, just dumb animals.
Chapter 13 - CRIKEY! IT’S A CROC!
In his 44th year of life, Steve Irwin was still teasing his friends – the furry, the finny, and the scaly. Oh yeah, he loved them, he surely did, and whether he was chasing a leopard, or baiting a tiger shark, or teasing a cobra, he meant them no harm. Really. They were, after all, just dumb animals.
[Posted
Tue Jan 27]
Chapter 12 - KEEP YOUR GERMS CLOSER
Public washrooms are still dangerous. Many a study shows that microscopic life forms thrive there. Say hello to some old enemies, such as fecal coliform, and cryptosporidium, and salmonella.
Chapter 12 - KEEP YOUR GERMS CLOSER
Public washrooms are still dangerous. Many a study shows that microscopic life forms thrive there. Say hello to some old enemies, such as fecal coliform, and cryptosporidium, and salmonella.
[Posted
Fri Jan 23]
Chapter 11 - POACHERS, WELCOME TO PARADISE
Do you think I’m being funny? Well, I try to be, but I am definitely not kidding. The tigers are not laughing. The caribou are not smiling. The fish are not grinning – well, okay, some may be grinning, but that’s an hereditary quirk.
Chapter 11 - POACHERS, WELCOME TO PARADISE
Do you think I’m being funny? Well, I try to be, but I am definitely not kidding. The tigers are not laughing. The caribou are not smiling. The fish are not grinning – well, okay, some may be grinning, but that’s an hereditary quirk.
[Posted
Tue Jan 20]
Chapter 10 - GIANTS OF OLD
It was Paul Bunyan’s boys, and the girls who loved them and supported them, who built an industry that spanned a continent. It was the brains and muscles of the loggers, and the fibre and fecundity of the trees, and the sweat and the sacrifice of the horses that created legends. Giants, they were.
Chapter 10 - GIANTS OF OLD
It was Paul Bunyan’s boys, and the girls who loved them and supported them, who built an industry that spanned a continent. It was the brains and muscles of the loggers, and the fibre and fecundity of the trees, and the sweat and the sacrifice of the horses that created legends. Giants, they were.
[Posted
Fri Jan 16]
Chapter 9 - PEACE COMES DROPPING SLOW
Many [paths] lead to trees. Some lead to cedars, and if each belligerent were to pick a path that leads to the highlands of Lebanon, and visit an ancient tree, he or she would find peace. For some it will take a few minutes; and for others, a few days; and for a very few, anywhere up to four hundred years.
Chapter 9 - PEACE COMES DROPPING SLOW
Many [paths] lead to trees. Some lead to cedars, and if each belligerent were to pick a path that leads to the highlands of Lebanon, and visit an ancient tree, he or she would find peace. For some it will take a few minutes; and for others, a few days; and for a very few, anywhere up to four hundred years.
[Posted
Tue Jan 13]
Chapter 8 - WHITE CARIBOU DAY
Unlike the Wiarton folks on Groundhog Day, Goshenites do not exploit White Caribou Day. We do not prepare for an influx of tens of thousands of Goshen Gwyn groupies, primed to engage in fish derbies, and horseshoe tossing, and skeeter knees pie eating, and orgies of that sort. White Caribou Day is still our best kept secret.
Chapter 8 - WHITE CARIBOU DAY
Unlike the Wiarton folks on Groundhog Day, Goshenites do not exploit White Caribou Day. We do not prepare for an influx of tens of thousands of Goshen Gwyn groupies, primed to engage in fish derbies, and horseshoe tossing, and skeeter knees pie eating, and orgies of that sort. White Caribou Day is still our best kept secret.
[Posted
Fri Jan 9]
Chapter 7 - DA GOSHEN CODE
“Well, I, for one,” said I, “am disappointed. You call this a mystery? There is no blood royal, there’s no awful secret that will shake the pillars of the Roman Church, no female descendent of Christ who’s a baker in a Tim Hortons, and drawing sacred images in the glazed donuts, which are then auctioned on eBay in exchange for bearer bonds drawn on the Vatican Bank.”
Chapter 7 - DA GOSHEN CODE
“Well, I, for one,” said I, “am disappointed. You call this a mystery? There is no blood royal, there’s no awful secret that will shake the pillars of the Roman Church, no female descendent of Christ who’s a baker in a Tim Hortons, and drawing sacred images in the glazed donuts, which are then auctioned on eBay in exchange for bearer bonds drawn on the Vatican Bank.”
[Posted
Tue Jan 6]
Chapter 6 - HOLY SPIT!
Every irreverent phrase can be traced to Toronto.
We been shafted! Shafts: Towers that frame the entry to Queen's Park.
They got us by the short hairs! From moose on the Ontario Coat of Arms.
Screwed again! Screws: Fasten coat of arms to wall of Legislative Chamber.
Chapter 6 - HOLY SPIT!
Every irreverent phrase can be traced to Toronto.
We been shafted! Shafts: Towers that frame the entry to Queen's Park.
They got us by the short hairs! From moose on the Ontario Coat of Arms.
Screwed again! Screws: Fasten coat of arms to wall of Legislative Chamber.
[Posted
Fri Jan 2]
Chapter 5 - SO, CROWN ME!
You know, a lot of communities play the ecstatic angles. They lure you to a sportsman’s paradise, they promise you an athlete’s heaven, and they claim to be the homes of angels, or saints, or celebrities.
There’s one slogan that I like a lot . . .
Chapter 5 - SO, CROWN ME!
You know, a lot of communities play the ecstatic angles. They lure you to a sportsman’s paradise, they promise you an athlete’s heaven, and they claim to be the homes of angels, or saints, or celebrities.
There’s one slogan that I like a lot . . .
[Posted
Tue Dec 30]
Chapter 4 - MY TEETH ARE STRONG
We will be cutting windfalls and chopping brush and displacing debris that has been accumulating for a decade and a half. In effect, we will be biting the lice from Grand-Parent’s hair, not because we hate the lice, but because we love our Grand-Parent.
Chapter 4 - MY TEETH ARE STRONG
We will be cutting windfalls and chopping brush and displacing debris that has been accumulating for a decade and a half. In effect, we will be biting the lice from Grand-Parent’s hair, not because we hate the lice, but because we love our Grand-Parent.
[Posted
Fri Dec 26]
Chapter 3 - A TASTE OF HOME
Always outnumbered, they waded into unruly mobs with a smile and a shoeshine. They faced down drunken whiskey pedlars, and riotous railway workers, and hot-blooded Indians (excuse me. I mean, of course, justifiably outraged indigenous persons).
Chapter 3 - A TASTE OF HOME
Always outnumbered, they waded into unruly mobs with a smile and a shoeshine. They faced down drunken whiskey pedlars, and riotous railway workers, and hot-blooded Indians (excuse me. I mean, of course, justifiably outraged indigenous persons).
[Posted
Tue Dec 23]
Chapter 2 - UNITED 93
Only five of us, strangers, stop, rooted, at the bottom of the stairs. The credits roll. And roll. We do not, we cannot leave. In church, one does not leave until the blessing is done.
Chapter 2 - UNITED 93
Only five of us, strangers, stop, rooted, at the bottom of the stairs. The credits roll. And roll. We do not, we cannot leave. In church, one does not leave until the blessing is done.
[Posted
Fri Dec 19 ]
Chapter 1 - SUMMERTIME, AND THE LIVER IS QUEASY
You know that summertime is near when the worm in the rose switches from the hot rum toddies to warm gin and tonics.
Chapter 1 - SUMMERTIME, AND THE LIVER IS QUEASY
You know that summertime is near when the worm in the rose switches from the hot rum toddies to warm gin and tonics.
[Posted
Tue Dec 16 ]
Title Story
“We’re home! We’re home!” said she and said he.
“You never really left,” said Father. And they looked around and saw that it was trues, from the greens and the blues, and flavours on either side.
Title Story
“We’re home! We’re home!” said she and said he.
“You never really left,” said Father. And they looked around and saw that it was trues, from the greens and the blues, and flavours on either side.
