Next to Last Lines in Selected Chapters
[Posted Fri 2 Oct]
Chapter 40 - HOMES MAY BE FLAT
Some time ago, I was visiting family south of Regina, where they have lived forever in flat little communities, among famously flat fields, in a piece of Canada as flat as Stephen Harper’s best joke, where even the wind gets lost, and you can expect to meet it anywhere.
END OF BOOK
[Posted Tue 29 Sep]
Chapter 9 - GOSHEN’S GREAT WHITECOAT HUNT
By far the greatest success has been the development of mosquito-related products. There is skeeter oil; one drop in a teaspoon of Gingery Ale, gives you a buzz. There is skeeter cream, a virility enhancer, which, when rubbed on appropriate parts, creates a prickling sensation.
Chapter 9 - GOSHEN’S GREAT WHITECOAT HUNT
By far the greatest success has been the development of mosquito-related products. There is skeeter oil; one drop in a teaspoon of Gingery Ale, gives you a buzz. There is skeeter cream, a virility enhancer, which, when rubbed on appropriate parts, creates a prickling sensation.
[Posted Fri 25 Sep]
Chapter 38 - MARCH OF THE PENGUINS
Is the day far off, when a contingent of Goshen gawkers, on a weekend excursion, will fly into one of the landing fields on the white continent? Some may even bring their motorized sleds. To chase a few penguins, perhaps.
Chapter 38 - MARCH OF THE PENGUINS
Is the day far off, when a contingent of Goshen gawkers, on a weekend excursion, will fly into one of the landing fields on the white continent? Some may even bring their motorized sleds. To chase a few penguins, perhaps.
[Posted Tue 22 Sep]
Chapter 37 - PADDLE TO THE SEA
There were good times, yes, and adventure, and oft I ran aground, and tangled with nets, and drifted aimlessly. But, through luck, not to mention character, of which I know I have some, but through incredible, inexplicable, gratuitous luck, I pulled through.
Chapter 37 - PADDLE TO THE SEA
There were good times, yes, and adventure, and oft I ran aground, and tangled with nets, and drifted aimlessly. But, through luck, not to mention character, of which I know I have some, but through incredible, inexplicable, gratuitous luck, I pulled through.
[Posted Fri 18 Sep]
Chapter 36 - SAVE THE LING
A necropsy determined that the immature female died from dehydration, muscle damage, and failing kidneys. It had not fed for days, its favourite food being Atlantic deep squid.
Chapter 36 - SAVE THE LING
A necropsy determined that the immature female died from dehydration, muscle damage, and failing kidneys. It had not fed for days, its favourite food being Atlantic deep squid.
[Posted Tue 15 Sep]
Chapter 35 - WILD PARROTS
The Britons are responding in traditional fashion - with scarecrows, and sound blasters, and shotguns. At some point they will no doubt find the magic bullet, and the parrots will be exterminated, along with, quite possibly, a few native species.
Chapter 35 - WILD PARROTS
The Britons are responding in traditional fashion - with scarecrows, and sound blasters, and shotguns. At some point they will no doubt find the magic bullet, and the parrots will be exterminated, along with, quite possibly, a few native species.
[Posted Fri 11 Sep]
Chapter 34 - THE MECHANIC
These last few years, Don stabled the [wood] splitter in a wood yard some distance from his home. There, under a mantle of snow, it dreams away the winter, warming itself with images of green brich and sappy jack pine and moist poplar, and waiting for spring, and the touch of a spanner.
Chapter 34 - THE MECHANIC
These last few years, Don stabled the [wood] splitter in a wood yard some distance from his home. There, under a mantle of snow, it dreams away the winter, warming itself with images of green brich and sappy jack pine and moist poplar, and waiting for spring, and the touch of a spanner.
[Posted Tue 8 Sep]
Chapter 33 - MR. DITHERS DOT LIB
[Resolution No. 8] I shall keep this great country of ours together if I have to give in to every single demand from every single province and territory and Toronto.
Chapter 33 - MR. DITHERS DOT LIB
[Resolution No. 8] I shall keep this great country of ours together if I have to give in to every single demand from every single province and territory and Toronto.
[Posted Fri 5 Sep]
Chapter 32 - MERRY XX
Yet it is undeniable that the Christmas holidays are a vast mishmash of Christian and pagan traditions, and you will have no trouble finding Christians and pagans who will defend to their dying breath such venerable traditions as Christmas trees and Christmas cards and a good excuse for a drink.
Chapter 32 - MERRY XX
Yet it is undeniable that the Christmas holidays are a vast mishmash of Christian and pagan traditions, and you will have no trouble finding Christians and pagans who will defend to their dying breath such venerable traditions as Christmas trees and Christmas cards and a good excuse for a drink.
[Posted Tue 1 Sep]
Chapter 31 - THE CHIEF CORNER-TREE
This year, when I finally took a hard, unsentimental look at our Christmas tree, I noted that it was bald on three sides. The one branchy side, however, had done an expert comb-over, and projected an image of a fully-follicled tree, if you looked at it head-on. It was perfect.
Chapter 31 - THE CHIEF CORNER-TREE
This year, when I finally took a hard, unsentimental look at our Christmas tree, I noted that it was bald on three sides. The one branchy side, however, had done an expert comb-over, and projected an image of a fully-follicled tree, if you looked at it head-on. It was perfect.
[Posted Fri 28 Aug]
Chapter 30 - THE WINTERING PLACE
The Danes were ill equipped to endure an Arctic winter. So the sixty-four Danes succumbed to scurvy, and in his journal, Jens Munk meticulously recorded each death. On the 30th of March, 1620, upon recording the 29th death, Munk wrote the line, I was then like a wild and lonely bird.
Chapter 30 - THE WINTERING PLACE
The Danes were ill equipped to endure an Arctic winter. So the sixty-four Danes succumbed to scurvy, and in his journal, Jens Munk meticulously recorded each death. On the 30th of March, 1620, upon recording the 29th death, Munk wrote the line, I was then like a wild and lonely bird.
[Posted Tue 25 Aug]
Chapter 29 - ROMANCING THE STONES
You know, in 1885, Riel had tried to reprise his Manitoba success. These guys here today [at the graveside ceremony] were the same guys, the very same guys that had run him to ground at Batoche. And now he was their prophet.
Chapter 29 - ROMANCING THE STONES
You know, in 1885, Riel had tried to reprise his Manitoba success. These guys here today [at the graveside ceremony] were the same guys, the very same guys that had run him to ground at Batoche. And now he was their prophet.
[Posted Fri 21 Aug]
Chapter 28 - BOMBS, AWAY!
Terrorists are a fact of life. Like poverty. And peculation. And pedophilia. And they often come in rashes, like measles, and scandals, and hurricanes.
The suicide terrorist has nobody to live for. Ergo, he is inferior.
Chapter 28 - BOMBS, AWAY!
Terrorists are a fact of life. Like poverty. And peculation. And pedophilia. And they often come in rashes, like measles, and scandals, and hurricanes.
The suicide terrorist has nobody to live for. Ergo, he is inferior.
[Posted Tue 18 Aug]
Chapter 27 - THE INUKSHUK CONSPIRACY
Olga insisted that I build one for her garden, and I spent a day at it, selecting the stones, rejecting the less personable ones, and balancing the benevolent ones. Our inukshuk is, I grant you, a waif-like figure, but it has borne the onslaught of many winters now.
Chapter 27 - THE INUKSHUK CONSPIRACY
Olga insisted that I build one for her garden, and I spent a day at it, selecting the stones, rejecting the less personable ones, and balancing the benevolent ones. Our inukshuk is, I grant you, a waif-like figure, but it has borne the onslaught of many winters now.
[Posted Fri 14 Aug]
Chapter 26 - MY COUNTRY IS WINTER
8. You know that winter has come when the sun comes up in the east and stays there.
9. You know that winter has come when the smiles on the pumpkins freeze.
Chapter 26 - MY COUNTRY IS WINTER
8. You know that winter has come when the sun comes up in the east and stays there.
9. You know that winter has come when the smiles on the pumpkins freeze.
[Posted Tue 11 Aug]
Chapter 25 - MY OLD HOUSE
But the house was a-gettin’ old. The shingles were loose, and the floorboards were warped, and window was, sadly, broken. It was, I suppose, an unlovely house. Just like me. And many of the houses in Red Rock do date back a half century or more. Just like me.
Chapter 25 - MY OLD HOUSE
But the house was a-gettin’ old. The shingles were loose, and the floorboards were warped, and window was, sadly, broken. It was, I suppose, an unlovely house. Just like me. And many of the houses in Red Rock do date back a half century or more. Just like me.
[Posted Fri 7 Aug]
Chapter 24 - CHARITY HURTS
You, too, can be kind to the caribou. There’s an October fund-raiser in the Sunny State [California]. You are invited to come out and sip delectable local wines, and quaff tasty micro-brews, and nibble on gourmet chocolates. I wish I were kidding.
And their website has a button you may very kindly push.
Chapter 24 - CHARITY HURTS
You, too, can be kind to the caribou. There’s an October fund-raiser in the Sunny State [California]. You are invited to come out and sip delectable local wines, and quaff tasty micro-brews, and nibble on gourmet chocolates. I wish I were kidding.
And their website has a button you may very kindly push.
[Posted Tue 4 Aug]
Chapter 23 - CIVIL WAR BUFFS
We’ve got the Goshen Hotel (well, it’s been demolished, but we can show you the vacant lot where it used to stand), and in the back room, the magistrate, Judge Jeremiah, heard drunk and disorderly cases. Sure, he dozed through some of them, but still, in those days, the Judge logged a lot of hours. There’s no tab there now.
Chapter 23 - CIVIL WAR BUFFS
We’ve got the Goshen Hotel (well, it’s been demolished, but we can show you the vacant lot where it used to stand), and in the back room, the magistrate, Judge Jeremiah, heard drunk and disorderly cases. Sure, he dozed through some of them, but still, in those days, the Judge logged a lot of hours. There’s no tab there now.
[Posted Fri 31 Jul]
Chapter 22 - BAMBI
Some of the true hunters I know are the most gentle people on earth. Like true fishers and trappers and loggers, they respect the lives they take. For them, a walk in the woods is a meditation. When the fall of the year arrives, the hunter puts on his ceremonial robe, and clutching his staff of office, steps into nature.
Chapter 22 - BAMBI
Some of the true hunters I know are the most gentle people on earth. Like true fishers and trappers and loggers, they respect the lives they take. For them, a walk in the woods is a meditation. When the fall of the year arrives, the hunter puts on his ceremonial robe, and clutching his staff of office, steps into nature.
[Posted Tue 28 Jul]
Chapter 21 - A PECKERHEAD POLICY
Any citizen who feels menaced by a woodpecker trying, say, to peck its way through a windowpane, is urged to call the Woodpecker Wise hotline. Someone will answer the phone within twenty-four days. Then follows a series of skill-testing questions . . .
Chapter 21 - A PECKERHEAD POLICY
Any citizen who feels menaced by a woodpecker trying, say, to peck its way through a windowpane, is urged to call the Woodpecker Wise hotline. Someone will answer the phone within twenty-four days. Then follows a series of skill-testing questions . . .
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[Posted Fri 24 Jul]
Chapter 20 - THE TRUE CROSS
Under the aegis of the Roman Church, the rules evolved for the veneration of relics. Veneration is the operative word. Adoration is a no-no. Veneration is for things, adoration is for people - living or dead - for a relic is not a person, and a person is not the thing. In my case, I adore Thoreau, but I only venerate his rocks.
[Posted Tue 21 Jul]
Chapter 19 - STAND OF TREES
What can a tree do about themÉ It can hardly swat the pesky little critters. It can neither nurse its infections nor doctor its wounds. And it can’t relocate to a more healthful neighbourhood.
Chapter 19 - STAND OF TREES
What can a tree do about themÉ It can hardly swat the pesky little critters. It can neither nurse its infections nor doctor its wounds. And it can’t relocate to a more healthful neighbourhood.
[Posted Fri 17 Jul]
Chapter 18 - THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT
The accuracy of NWS forecasts is plus or minus 90 percent for the probability of weather, from zero to sixty seconds for the advance warnings of flash floods, and a forgivable error of 175 miles for the landfall of an Atlantic hurricane, just before your house is airborne.
This beats the heck out of Grandpa’s weather gauge - his arthritic elbow.
Chapter 18 - THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT
The accuracy of NWS forecasts is plus or minus 90 percent for the probability of weather, from zero to sixty seconds for the advance warnings of flash floods, and a forgivable error of 175 miles for the landfall of an Atlantic hurricane, just before your house is airborne.
This beats the heck out of Grandpa’s weather gauge - his arthritic elbow.
[Posted Tue 14 Jul]
Chapter 17 - GARDENERS ALL
Our mission, should we choose to accept it, is to pick a patch of Earth and cultivate it. It may be a family that we choose, to plant it, weed it, and watch it mature. It may be a budgerigar that depends on us for water and seed. It may be a potted cactus . . .
Chapter 17 - GARDENERS ALL
Our mission, should we choose to accept it, is to pick a patch of Earth and cultivate it. It may be a family that we choose, to plant it, weed it, and watch it mature. It may be a budgerigar that depends on us for water and seed. It may be a potted cactus . . .
[Posted Fri 10 Jul]
Chapter 16 - THE GOSHEN CATNAPPER
What was the crime of Sisyphus? One tradition has it that he was a bandit, who murdered travelers. In the modern era, the reputation of Sisyphus has achieved heroic status, for his punishment is disproportionate to the crime. There is no record of his having ever napped cats.
Chapter 16 - THE GOSHEN CATNAPPER
What was the crime of Sisyphus? One tradition has it that he was a bandit, who murdered travelers. In the modern era, the reputation of Sisyphus has achieved heroic status, for his punishment is disproportionate to the crime. There is no record of his having ever napped cats.
[Posted Tue 7 Jul]
Chapter 15 - OLD FOSSILS
I would like to believe that somewhere in Germany, there is a little oaken chest, sitting in a chimney corner, and in that chest is a scrap of brown butcher paper, and poem beings, Live on! my photos and poetry, / Keep telling the pleasures we had, / Of love and our fond aspirations, / And our home life with Mother and Dad.
Chapter 15 - OLD FOSSILS
I would like to believe that somewhere in Germany, there is a little oaken chest, sitting in a chimney corner, and in that chest is a scrap of brown butcher paper, and poem beings, Live on! my photos and poetry, / Keep telling the pleasures we had, / Of love and our fond aspirations, / And our home life with Mother and Dad.
[Posted Fri 3 Jul]
Chapter 14 - THE DAM CONSEQUENCES
The power from the High Falls plant was going to expand the Ontario grid. But the plant generates no power. A design flaw, it seems, killed the generation.
Chapter 14 - THE DAM CONSEQUENCES
The power from the High Falls plant was going to expand the Ontario grid. But the plant generates no power. A design flaw, it seems, killed the generation.
[Posted Tue 30 Jun]
Chapter 13 - NEBUCHITA MOSQUITA
You may have thought that the codfish was the mascot of Newfoundland, but it is, as I said, the missing elk. Still, there are many confirmed cod sightings each year. As soon as one is sighted, there is a general rush to the scene, and the cod is promptly consumed, liver and oil.
Chapter 13 - NEBUCHITA MOSQUITA
You may have thought that the codfish was the mascot of Newfoundland, but it is, as I said, the missing elk. Still, there are many confirmed cod sightings each year. As soon as one is sighted, there is a general rush to the scene, and the cod is promptly consumed, liver and oil.
[Posted Fri 26 Jun]
Chapter 12 - THE YELLOW PERIL
Time to nail up the sky. Now, you forge the nail. You use your intelligence and ingenuity and artifice and you forge that nail. I’ll hold the nail in place. I’ll use my philosophical orientation and critical faculty and sense of the ridulous and I’ll hold that nail.
Chapter 12 - THE YELLOW PERIL
Time to nail up the sky. Now, you forge the nail. You use your intelligence and ingenuity and artifice and you forge that nail. I’ll hold the nail in place. I’ll use my philosophical orientation and critical faculty and sense of the ridulous and I’ll hold that nail.
[Posted Tue 23 Jun]
Chapter 11 - WILD BY NATURE
Where I live, there are no wild horses. Okay, no feral horses. There are only wild cats. Okay, feral cats. Feral cats are an opportunity to practice civic virtue and to nourish the wild part of our nature.
Chapter 11 - WILD BY NATURE
Where I live, there are no wild horses. Okay, no feral horses. There are only wild cats. Okay, feral cats. Feral cats are an opportunity to practice civic virtue and to nourish the wild part of our nature.
[Posted Fri 19 Jun]
Chapter 10 - ON YOUR LONESOME
Come to think of it, there is just too much self-interest in these blowhards. Their blusters and bellows are not the honest blasts of genuine whistleblowers.
Chapter 10 - ON YOUR LONESOME
Come to think of it, there is just too much self-interest in these blowhards. Their blusters and bellows are not the honest blasts of genuine whistleblowers.
[Posted Tue 16 Jun]
Chapter 9 - A GOOD KILL
Some centres are resorting to mass euthanasia. The geese are captured during the molt and marched at gunpoint to the ovens.
Chapter 9 - A GOOD KILL
Some centres are resorting to mass euthanasia. The geese are captured during the molt and marched at gunpoint to the ovens.
[Posted Fri 12 Jun]
Chapter 8 - THE LORD GOD BIRD
I placed the chain of links about my neck, and I strutted around the yard . . . exultant . . . exuberant . . . ecstatic . . . because for that moment I was Lord of the Uni-verse, with galaxies bobbing in my bloodstream.
Chapter 8 - THE LORD GOD BIRD
I placed the chain of links about my neck, and I strutted around the yard . . . exultant . . . exuberant . . . ecstatic . . . because for that moment I was Lord of the Uni-verse, with galaxies bobbing in my bloodstream.
[Posted Tue 9 Jun]
Chapter 7 - MONUMENTS OF SAND
There is a school of thought that says that the Buddhas of Bamiyan should not be restored. The empty niches should remain as an eternal memorial to religious bigotry.
Chapter 7 - MONUMENTS OF SAND
There is a school of thought that says that the Buddhas of Bamiyan should not be restored. The empty niches should remain as an eternal memorial to religious bigotry.
[Posted Fri 5 Jun]
Chapter 6 - GRUB STREET MUSEUMS
. . . Canada’s grubby little museums, created by Canada’s most farsighted citizens, nurtured by Canada’s most clearsighted volunteers, and ignored by Canada’s most shortsighted idiots.
Chapter 6 - GRUB STREET MUSEUMS
. . . Canada’s grubby little museums, created by Canada’s most farsighted citizens, nurtured by Canada’s most clearsighted volunteers, and ignored by Canada’s most shortsighted idiots.
[Posted Tue 2 Jun]
Chapter 5 - THE FIRST ROSE
You know that spring has sprung when the worm in the rose sheds its woolies and wriggles its toes in pure pleasure.
Chapter 5 - THE FIRST ROSE
You know that spring has sprung when the worm in the rose sheds its woolies and wriggles its toes in pure pleasure.
[Posted Fri 29 May]
Chapter 4 - SHADOW AND LIGHT
The presiding pastor, fortified with locusts and wild honey, and clad in polyester skins, issued a resounding call to repentance. But the throng was unmoved. The pastor was no Jesus, for as we all know, Jesus was a great man.
Chapter 4 - SHADOW AND LIGHT
The presiding pastor, fortified with locusts and wild honey, and clad in polyester skins, issued a resounding call to repentance. But the throng was unmoved. The pastor was no Jesus, for as we all know, Jesus was a great man.
[Posted Tue 26 May]
Chapter 3 - FRUIT OF THE VINE
We have merely peeked into the cauldron in which the tomato wars seethe. The names, the colours, the shapes, the shelf life, the squishiness or lack thereof, and last as well as least, the taste, will be choosing sides and forming alliances and battering it out for centuries to come.
Chapter 3 - FRUIT OF THE VINE
We have merely peeked into the cauldron in which the tomato wars seethe. The names, the colours, the shapes, the shelf life, the squishiness or lack thereof, and last as well as least, the taste, will be choosing sides and forming alliances and battering it out for centuries to come.
[Posted Fri 22 May]
Chapter 2 - LAND O’ GOSHEN
In more recent times, this entrepreneurial community undertook a great engineering project, viz, paving the entire floor of the lake with pulpwood. Fishermen who bring up bits on their pulp hooks say the wood will burn with a frigid blue flame.
Chapter 2 - LAND O’ GOSHEN
In more recent times, this entrepreneurial community undertook a great engineering project, viz, paving the entire floor of the lake with pulpwood. Fishermen who bring up bits on their pulp hooks say the wood will burn with a frigid blue flame.
[Posted Wed 20 May]
Chapter 1 - CORNER GAS II
Goshen, too, is advancing with the times. The women now sit on the men’s side in the beer parlours and, if they want to, use the urinals. In the business section, the hitching posts have been removed, and on Sundays there is unrestricted parking.
Chapter 1 - CORNER GAS II
Goshen, too, is advancing with the times. The women now sit on the men’s side in the beer parlours and, if they want to, use the urinals. In the business section, the hitching posts have been removed, and on Sundays there is unrestricted parking.
[Posted Fri 15 May]
Title Story
Oh Frank the most marvelous thing I paused at you know the intersection of our lives and I looked left you know to Goshen schools and Goshen churches and the New Age centre and then I looked right to Goshen hospital and Goshen clinic and Goshen day care and the Goshen olden age home and then I looked back to you Frank and to our daughter Frank and our lives Frank . . .
Title Story
Oh Frank the most marvelous thing I paused at you know the intersection of our lives and I looked left you know to Goshen schools and Goshen churches and the New Age centre and then I looked right to Goshen hospital and Goshen clinic and Goshen day care and the Goshen olden age home and then I looked back to you Frank and to our daughter Frank and our lives Frank . . .
